What to do, what to do!!

The child care job with the city is working again. I only get to work mornings, 2 whole hours a day. It drives me insane. I've been looking for another job but still can't find something. I don't know what else to do. Vic's unemployment is going to run out in about a month or so and he still hasn't looked for work. I'm not even sure he is trying and I'm afraid to ask. What the hell are we going to do? I freak out on a daily basis now. My nerves are all jumbled and I can't control any of it. I can't take care of myself on 2 hours a day much less the three of us. No one is going to help. This feeling is worse than what I felt being worthless on welfare. And I can't even get back on that. We finally got the DL back so we can drive now but thats not going to help if we can't pay the fine or take the classes so that we can get over the DUI. Some days I wish I were dead but then I freak out thinking who will take care of my son or my husband. Whats worse is I have no one to talk to about it and no one will listen or help me figure it out. I am doomed.

Same Sh** Different Day

I remember growing up in the projects, having all kinds of dreams. When I grew up I wanted to be either a doctor or a lawyer. I know I wanted out of the projects real bad. I finally got out, never did manage to get my dreams in order. I didn't even grow up to be something. I had always wanted to make something of myself. Maybe one of these days I will. I hope so.
Right now I work for the city. I'm back to doing daycare work in the mornings and afternoons. Except now they call it safekey. I am the only one working now. My husbands job moved to Soutnern California and he hasn't found a new one since. My son still hasn't found work either and I'm hoping some one gives him a break because he could use the lift in his ego. I know this isn't the projects, but it sure feels like it. I'm on summer break so no money from work. Hubby is on unemployment and we don't know exactly when that will end. He will get his license back at the end of the month though and we both can't wait for that. Some days when I sit out here in the mornings all alone, it feels like I'm back stuck in the projects and on welfare again. Goingno where with my life. Will this depression and emptyness ever go away???

side note one

I should let you know now that some things were left out. I did go to another high school. My mom wasn't a very good parent, and things were not that great at either schools or my home life. Which I think is why I am struggling with everything that I am going thorough now.

Living in the Projects

I lived in the projects from 1st grade till my son was about 6 years old. After he was born though we had moved to Southern California and then back again. Some days were good and some were bad. I did attend some college but things happened ( my mom died and my son was born) so I didn't get to finish. I did get involved in the drug scene and had some terrible things go on with that, but because I had friends that were straight laced I got off of them and moved on. The same friends caused me a few problems as well. Because of who they were and what they did, some of the "friends" I had labeled me as a snitch. Which was pretty screwed up. I had never ratted anyone out but was thought otherwise because of my real friends profession. I had gotten fed up with all of that and being in the projects so I moved back to Southern California with a man that I had met months before. While it was a good idea to move, it was not a good idea to move with this man. We lived with his "mother" in a double wide trailer that was in a seniors only court. My son and I were also beat. Mostly me though, because everytime he went near my son I went after him. Drugs were also around alot. Finally after about 2 months, the trailer court found out we were there and we had to move since we were not seniors. Thats when we moved to Vegas.

A friend of mine that I had known since about the 5th grade lived in Las Vegas with her family and invited me to stay with them and start a new life. I took the plunge and moved. within 2 weeks I had my first job since my son was born. And I got off of the drugs. life was looking up until after I got my first place and the idiot that I left back in SC. followed me to Vegas. Things were not good for a while after that. He was freaking out because there were no drugs and not enough money to go around for much of anything. He started beating me again, and after about 2 months of that it was time for me to go. Friends that I had made at the small casino I was working at decided it was time to get out and had me (with the police) grab my son and some of my belongings and run.

The beginning

I was born in San Francisco to a single mom. I never knew my father and was told that they met at a uso dance. When she found out she was pregnant, he denied it all. So all I know is that his name is Michael Jansen and he's from Minnesota. We moved shortly before I started kindergarden to a small town in California called Rodeo. Then my Aunts and grandparents followed us along. Our first apartment was over a small restaurant named Betty's Kitchen. We had one more apartment for a short time that was around the corner before we moved to the projects. I believe this was the beginning of the end.

Let me start by saying I now hate growing up in the projects, but while growing up we had lots of fun and I made some great friends out there. We could roam the streets at all hours and nothing would happen. Everyone knew who you were and where you belonged. If you were caught doing something wrong, everyone knew about it.

I went to Garretson, Hillcrest, Carquinez, and John Swett all while living in the projects. It was fun, happy and sad all at the same time. I believe if I hadn't run away from there I would have surely died out there by now. My grandparents, mom, and aunt all passed away out there in the projects.

Like I said I did have some fun and I had (still have) some great friends that I hung out with. Becky Naglemaker, Ronda Schmitt, Cheryl Chambers, Dean Hardin, Eric peoples, and Stacey Mitchell were all the greatest friends I could have ever have. Although Eric could have been better instead of the lying cheat he turned out to be.

This is my life.

I can already tell that this is going to be tough. I like to write. I want to write. when I start to write I forget what I want to say or the words get jumbled up in my head and come out all wrong.

I'm 44 years old, and have no idea what to do about my life. I had no proper training or motivation on what to do with it. My mother told me I wouldn't amount to anything at all and in fact wouldn't live past my 21st birthday. How can I compete with something like that????

I'm sitting here in my room with the a/c on and my dog sitting next to me. Its hot as hell here in Las Vegas and I can't stand it anymore. I have no job, the job I did have was cancelled for the summer because there wasn't enough kids signed up for it. Then to make matters worse I hear that safekey is no longer going to be around because the city cannot afford to keep it going. I started putting in applications and now have an interview at Macy's. And the safekey office called to tell me I'm signed up to start training for the new school year. I don't know who to believe or what to do about it all. I guess I will go to this interview and if the money and hours are good,I will have to stop doing the safekey because the hours will conflict with each other.

This is my crazy life and it will get even crazier.